I took a course some years ago titled, “Aging, Death and Dying”. Seriously, why don’t we just call it “Heading for the Headstones”? It’s a morbid title at best. I think “Aging, Life and Living” would be a more positive spin. So why read such a depressing topic? Well, at the time it was for an assignment but as with many things, and the title aside, the course actually brought some much needed insight into what seniors and eventually everyone deals with. Loss.
Family, friends, self, finances, independence, purpose. We all have a lot to lose in our lifetime. I mean, from the moment we’re born, we’re losing time. But from there, hopefully you’re in the growing and building phase for years! Now, for whatever you’ve grown, built or contributed to the world, take a bow. You made all that. But it’s as we age we begin to see our life going in the other direction. Gravity, genetics and time are no longer in our favor.
If you think back to your first loss, it’s usually a death we experience as a child. An older relative or friend, it may have even been the family pet. In any case, the first one is often a tough one because of the reality and finality of it. It hurts and not being used to that sort of pain; it leaves a mark… but we are a resilient breed.
Throughout life we lose grandparents, parents, other family, older friends, the ones who welcomed us to the world. It’s never easy, but we understand. It’s a part of life. Often it’s expected due to age or other health factors. But then there are the shockers. The accidents. The self-induced. The “we didn’t see it coming”. The unfairness of it all. We mourn, we heal, and we grow. Time to move on. Just like we watched those who welcomed us into the world move on and set the example. It may never stop hurting, but through our early trials we learn to cope and continue living.
Hopefully, this phase leads you to an age where you can look back at your life with happiness. The family you raised, the job/career you performed, the people you helped, and the kingdom you built. If you built it, set the rules, it’s your kingdom. I think to some degree we all have regrets in the life we created, but putting that aside for a moment, remember your evolutions through school, the rights of passage, the relationships, the new people and the positive effect you have had and just marvel at what you did! Stop reading and please do this. This is your legacy, and no one knows it better than you.
Now working with a population generally over 70 years of age there’s some loss that seems to happen on a daily basis. Friends, family, the generation, like leaves of a tree at the end of a season. When I was 49, I had 7 friends pass in a single year. I mentioned this to an older relative. Their response: Wait until you’re my age. You need to keep your suit cleaned. If we live long enough, it happens to all of us. Maybe the ones who pass earlier are the lucky ones. After all, they don’t have to endure as much loss. But that’s not how most of us are wired. Something drives us, willing us to go on despite the trials we endure. And the trials are not easy.
Losing a child is something I have thankfully not had to deal with. That said, the contemplation alone is enough to make me stop and be grateful for what I have and to appreciate every day you have with everyone you love. And to those who have lost a child, at the time of writing this, I honestly just said a prayer for all of you. It is the hardest thing I can imagine and not the natural order of life. I heard or read somewhere recently that if you lose a parent, you’re an orphan. If you lose your spouse, you’re a widow or widower. There is no name that can quantify losing a child. To those few who have shared their experience and were able to find a way to smile, your inner strength and wisdom can’t be understated. I have seen the tears, but I have seen the light in the parent’s eyes, the love that never goes away. To talk about them displays so much of what is the human spirit and is the best way to honor them. I believe we all wish to be remembered and talked about.
The more common loss I see here in Florida is the passing of a spouse. As heartbreaking as it is to look in someone’s eyes who has lost their other half, this unfortunate part of life has a different meaning. Losing one’s other half is essentially that. For however long a couple is together, from the time you started the courtship, the threads of your lives weave together, binding to one another in a way that makes the two parts stronger together. Strong enough to build your kingdom, something that enhances the quality of life for both. Strong enough to welcome new life. Strong enough to take on the challenges of life, and eventually death. It’s a comfort to know someone has your back. And when they’re gone, it is beyond difficult to adjust to missing the person who, for nearly every decision you’ve made over the past however many years, is no longer there. At least not physically. However, it is through my own marriage I recognize that while we are still the same people we always have been; we have grown together in a way that we each have adapted and become the best parts of each other, whether we realize it or not. So to the one who is still living, your other half still lives inside you and your presence serves as a tribute to the whole you became and will always be. Talk to them, talk about them, hear their words in your thoughts.
How does one balance if half their body is taken away? How does one live if half their world is missing? I have no idea, but I do know that with time, support and a lot of healing, it is possible to find a fulfilling life. Again, mine is only second hand insight, but in the same way I admire people who take life head on, I’m more impressed by those who have lived, loved, lost and lived again. It may not be the norm, but it is, for lack of a better word, awesome to see someone smile again.
Conversations about someone who has passed are difficult for everyone. If someone who has recently lost a spouse or a child wants to talk about them to you, just listen, be present and don’t be afraid to touch them, if not hug them. The respect they are showing you to share something so personal is a compliment. Return the kindness. I was also reminded while writing this, Don’t be afraid to be the one who brings up a person who has passed. To paraphrase: “Hearing their name makes me feel good, like they’re still here.”
One thing I have noticed in life, maturity breeds responsibility. The people who have been there and done that have again set the example of how to support those who are grieving. The support is collectively a credit to people in general. If you are one of those angels who are or have really put yourself out there to care for someone dealing with loss, you truly did something special and it won’t be forgotten. And neither will you.
